Required Viewing: Taking Chance

My first encounter with the story of PFC Chance Phelps, like so many other people who know his name, came in a post by Blackfive on April 27, 2004. It contains an article written by LtCol Michael Strobl, USMC, upon bringing Chance home for burial after he was killed in action in Iraq.

It is a stirring piece. If you haven't read it yet, please do.

The story has had bigger legs than this, though. In fact, according to Matt Burden (Blackfive himself), it is one of the most read pieces he has ever put on the 'Net, and even eventually led to him meeting Chance's family in person.

But you can go read all that stuff for yourself. It's at the link above.

I wanted to write today about the movie that has been made from Chance and Mike's story.

It went to air on HBO this past Saturday, and stars Kevin Bacon in the role of LtCol Strobl.

Through the magic of Tivo, my wife and I were able to watch it together tonight...and we did so in complete silence.

For those who would worry about Hollywood's portrayals of soldiers in the last few years, and how this story might have been handled...

Relax. This one was done right.

No preaching. No high drama. In fact, nothing unnecessary at all.

This is, quite simply, the story of how Chance came home.

Kevin turns in a beautifully restrained performance as Mike Strobl, who volunteered to serve as Chance's escort when he learned that the young man hailed from Mike's own hometown in Colorado.

Though his is the character we see the most, Kevin's dignified and understated portrayal takes just the right amount of focus off of Strobl himself, and allows the story of Chance's last trip home -- and of all the people who contributed, in ways great and small, to its eventual completion -- to assume its proper place at center stage.

I won't blow it for you any further. Suffice it to say that proper honor was done here.

I hear tell the DVD should be coming out sometime in May. In my humble opinion, it is already money well spent.

Incidentally, Matt has recently posted a copy of the email which was sent to LtCol Strobl by PFC Phelps' commanding general, after he received Strobl's report at journey's end.

By chance (pun fully intended), the general's name was Brigadier General John F. Kelly, the same general who recently participated in the transfer-of-authority upon which I posted two weeks ago.

PFC Chance Phelps helped make that happen.

Thereby Hangs A Tail

There's a common theme I keep hearing over and over about our Dear Leader's shiny new spendapalooza law...just how much stuff is in it that somebody sneaked in under wraps, because too many of our nation's best and brightest didn't bother to read it before jumping on board.

Byron York at the DC Examiner is sounding off about one such precious little nugget. But first, a little background.

There is a position in the government called "Inspector General". Those who occupy this position are tasked with keeping an eye on government agencies, contractors, and pretty much anyone doing government business, in order to sniff out instances of waste or fraud. Think of them as a sort of wandering mongoose in the snakepit of American politics.

Classically, the IG's main strength is that they operate largely independently from the agencies in which they serve. In other words, the various offices of the IG's are not swayed by political pressure from any agencies, officials or appointees to either prosecute, or not prosecute, individual cases. They have the authority to pursue whatever malfeasance they find, regardless of who it might embarrass.

Until now.

Just before the final vote in the Senate, someone slipped in a provision which calls for the creation of (brace yourself)....the "Recovery Accountability and Transparency" board.

Sen Charles Grassley (R-Iowa) was tipped off to it by a justifiably worried IG. This is what he found when he read it.

In the name of accountability and transparency, Congress has given the RAT Board the authority to ask “that an inspector general conduct or refrain from conducting an audit or investigation.” If the inspector general doesn’t want to follow the wishes of the RAT Board, he’ll have to write a report explaining his decision to the board, as well as to the head of his agency (from whom he is supposedly independent) and to Congress. In the end, a determined inspector general can probably get his way, but only after jumping through bureaucratic hoops that will inevitably make him hesitate to go forward.

When Iowa Republican Sen. Charles Grassley, a longtime champion of inspectors general, read the words “conduct or refrain from conducting,” alarm bells went off. The language means that the board — whose chairman will be appointed by the president — can reach deep inside a federal agency and tell an inspector general to lay off some particularly sensitive subject. Or, conversely, it can tell the inspector general to go after a tempting political target.

That's right: this board will now preside over those very same IG's, with the authority to "ask" the inspectors to target -- or overlook -- any case the board deems fit.....and the One True King gets to pick the lead knave.

So why was there no hue and cry over something so completely opaque, that had absolutely nothing to do with righting the economic woes this bill was supposedly designed to combat?

Simple, says Grassley...no one who would have fought against it knew it existed, until it was too late.

...It wasn’t until Friday morning — after the bill was finished and just hours before the Senate was to begin voting — that Grassley discovered the board was in the final text. “This was snuck in,” Grassley told me. “It wasn’t something that was debated.”

Snuck in by whom? It’s not entirely clear. “I intend to get down to the bottom of where this comes from,” Grassley vowed. “And quite frankly, it better not come from this administration, because this administration has reminded us that it is not about business as usual, that it is for total transparency.”

Uh-huh.

Kiss the investigation into Jack Murtha's lobbying ties goodbye.
Say adios to looking the wrong way at Chuck Rangel's tax & real estate shenanigans.
And anyone who even accidentally digs up anything The Chicago Kid wants to stay buried will be painfully reminded of the plague of locusts that descended upon Wasilla when their favorite daughter dared to rise above her station.

The gloves are, ever increasingly, being taken off.

With every inch they gain on our individual and representative voices, those who now control the Capitol grasp for one inch more.

And it's only been ONE MONTH since the Inauguration.

If anyone needs me, I'll be over here clinging just a little harder to my Bible and gun collection, thank you.

Required Reading: February 18, 2009

While the Candyman-in-Chief was busy selling our grandchildren into servitude in a Denver museum (why the hell do it in Denver, anyway?), Michelle Malkin was busy outside hosting an anti-pork pig roast for anyone who wanted some...and according to the staff of the local blog Slapstick Politics, who had a front-row seat for the festivities, quite a few people did.

The proprietors of Little Green Footballs are following the race to fill a Virginia delegate seat being vacated soon. As it happens, one of the potential hopefuls for the seat sits on the Virginia Commission on Immigration...oh yeah, and also an old friend of the Muslim Brotherhood. (Go on. Name that party.)

Meanwhile, take a gander at...well, pretty much anything by Chuck Ziegenfuss. It's a rare day to find one of his observations that ISN'T bang-on. Today, he has some pretty sharp things to say about how things got to where they are today.

The Jawa Report focuses today on the situation in a valley in Pakistan, through the eyes of one who wisely decided to bug out while she had the chance...and how IT got to where it is today.

Finally, Dr. Mike Adams, Professor of Criminology at UNC-Wilmington, relates a tale of the rollicking good times one can have in a Speech class. (Unless, of course, you happen to be a Christian who hasn't yet learned what "speech" means on a college campus these days.)

Reagan Was Right

Don't take my word for it. Listen for yourself.

"One of these day, you and I are going to spend our sunset years telling our children, and our children's children, what it once was like in America when men were free."
---Ronald Wilson Reagan

"We are five days away from fundamentally transforming the United States of America!"
---Barack Hussein Obama

Thanks to Texas Rainmaker and the Anchoress for passing this along to the rest of us.

Deadly Plane Crash in Buffalo

News of this broke a little after midnight. Ace was one of the first to break word of this on the 'sphere. Here's some of what he had as of 12:34 am...

It was Continental Flight 3407 (operated under Colgan Air), from Newark to Buffalo (a commuter flight). A 74-seat Bombardier Q-400.

It crashed into a home in Clarence Center, NY (a Buffalo suburb) at around 10:10 p.m. (Eastern time), on Long Road (or Street)

Some contact numbers:

1 800 621-3263 (the number for families) (FNC is saying the last 4 digits are 3236) Update: FNC is wrong...it's the first number.
713 324-5080 (number for the media to call)
716 741-8930 (number for Clarence residents only)

One person on the ground killed and others injured.

Commenters at his house have more to offer in the way of information and analysis.

MORE THIS MORNING: Fox News is reporting no survivors as of about 30 minutes ago. All 49 travelers and crew killed.

To make this worse, if that's possible, I also heard via Quinn & Rose on the radio that Beverly Eckert, widow of 9/11 WTC victim Sean Rooney and crusading advocate for her fellow bereaved from then on, was also on that plane.

Amazingly, with the houses in that area packed as tightly as they are, only one house was hit and only one person on the ground lost their life.

Please join me in prayer for a moment, for all those touched by this tragedy.

Oh, so NOW it's okay...

Yesterday, Cap'n Ed pointed us in the direction of a bunch of fair-weather friends who have apparently come out of the closet.

No, not THAT closet.

I'm talking about the one that ALL citizens of this country have been in for, oh, the last TWO-HUNDRED-THIRTY-ODD YEARS.

You know...the one with the Stars and Stripes on it?

Yep, it's apparently okay to be an American again, now that we finally have someone sexy in the White House.

What...All that screaming about imperialism, censorship, baby-killing, intolerance and just plain general jackbootedness for the last eight years?

All that shame-faced, yellow-streak-a-mile-wide apologizing to everyone else on the planet for allowing "the wrong guy" to keep his job?

All that...that...UNFAIRNESS???

"...Nah, we wuz just trippin'. It's all GOOD now."

Right.

If you meant it, you wouldn't have blown the last eight years not doing it, only to stand up and be counted when you think there's something in it for you.

Well, now you've got your Candyman.

Hope you don't choke on that big ol' jawbreaker he's shovin' down your throats.

Suckers.

Go get 'em, Tiger!

“Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, center, hugs her husband Todd Palin, as their daughter Piper watches, left, as he and his partner get ready to begin the 2009 Tesoro Iron Dog snowmobile race in Big Lake, Alaska, Sunday Feb. 8, 2009. The race goes from Big Lake to Nome and then to the finish in Fairbanks Feb. 14, 2009.”

Photo courtesy AP. Hat-tip to the ineffable Don Surber. Thanks, Don.

The State of the Head of State

(snort***THPBBLLZTT) BWAAAHHH-hahahaaaa!

Damn you, Chris Muir. I need a new keyboard now.

A Peaceful Transition of Power

I give this to you in its entirety from the pages of Matt Currier Burden, a.k.a. Blackfive, as he posted it. It is the speech given by Maj. Gen. John F. Kelly, USMC, as he transferred full authority for the regions of Anbar and the Western Ninawa province of Iraq from his own command to that of the Iraqi Army.

This happened yesterday.

TRANSFER OF AUTHORITY CEREMONY
MAJOR GENERAL JOHN F KELLY USMC
COMMANDING GENERAL
I MARINE EXPEDITIONARY FORCE (FORWARD)
MULTI-NATIONAL FORCE-WEST
AL ASAD, IRAQ
9 FEBRUARY 2009

It might surprise some here today of what a Marine is proudest of in the nearly three years he's spent on the ground in Iraq since March 2003. It is not the triumphs of the invasion and the rush to Baghdad, Tikrit and Bayji that I lived, while the rest of the world held their breath and watched as we defined military power and prowess. It isn't the fights we had over the summer of 2003 against an emerging insurgency in the Northern Babil Province, or the two battles of Fallujah in April and November of 2004. Or clearing Ramadi, or holding Karma, or cleaning out Al Qaim over the years. It's also not about the number of terrorist we've killed, and the network they served all but destroyed, today making Anbar, Iraq, the Middle East, Europe and the world a safer place protected for now at least against a sick form of extremism no decent man or woman could ever embrace. That the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines that have fought here in Anbar and Western Ninawa Province, and the men and women who commanded them these last five years, are at least has good as the best in the world at this business.

What I am very proud of is the number of human beings we did not have to kill because we never stopped extending the hand of friendship even in the darkest of days gone by, and the damage we didn't do because we resorted to force last, and always restrained its use when we did go to the guns. The other things I am proud of are the cows we purchased for widows to make a living, chicken farms we established or expanded, agricultural experts we hired and brought in to help farmers save their fields and increase production, and advise the shepherds on how to cull and strengthen their flocks. Of the thousands of tons of seed and fertilizer we bought and distributed to reestablish a farm industry destroyed by over a decade of UN sanctions, and exacerbated by the current drought. Of the hundreds of miles of irrigation canals we repaired or opened up, and the schools and clinics built and stocked with supplies. The impact we had on the province's health. By fixing or building sewerage plants and systems, and water treatment facilities, we began to reduce infant mortality by reducing the unseen killers of the new born-killers that thrive in filthy water. And then there was the cholera epidemic this past summer-that didn't happen; the dreaded tuberculosis outbreak in Hadithah-that we miraculously contained and treated without the loss of a single life.

I am also very proud of the Iraqis we Americans, along with our brothers in the Iraqi police and army, safeguarded as the insurgency was systematically defeated. It wasn't all done with guns and violence, but as much with the kinds of nation building and "hearts and minds" programs we established for the people of Anbar, and now those of Western Ninawa, who are today working with us, and not fighting against us. And when the few remaining Al Qaeda do crawl out from under whatever rock they call home, those who once aided them now reject their presence and the venom they spew, and tell us where to find them. Of the month-long voter registration drive in August without a single accusation of fraud, without a single violent incident, and with 100% of the eligible registered. Of the election just held with nearly 100% of those registered walking miles even when you knew full well hundreds and even thousands of you might die. You ignored the threats of death. With the full knowledge that the terrorists were frantically building vehicle bombs, and outfitting as many suicide bombers as they could talk into their murderous assignment, you gathered at polling places in your millions and exercised the right of free men and woman and the forces of evil here never had a chance of stopping you. By dipping your fingers in a bottle of ink you sounded the death knell of terrorists and extremists who only destroy, never build. Who kill, and never nurture. Who want to tear down societies now, but have no plan for the future. Who simply can not stand the thought of men and women living their lives the way they want to live them safely in their own homes with their children, and enjoying the God-given rights of "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

It's harder-infinitely harder-fighting this kind of war as patience, and innovation and economic development are the most effective ammo, with trust, influence and personal relations the most effective and really only usable arrows in the quiver. In this dangerous world we live in the sad fact is that the kind of war we are fighting today in Iraq was made possible only after all those who have to be killed because they are murderous irreconcilables, are dead. And diplomacy and good will only work once these kinds of men are hunted down and killed or put in cages, and those more reasonable men and women are finally convinced they can't win with the gun, are tired of dying, and realize their only hope is through dialogue.

These are the things I am proud or as I end my third, and I am sure my final, tour here in Iraq; however, what I am proudest of is why we came here and regardless of what the talkers back home thought this was all about, those of us on the ground that were putting our lives on the line had the noblest of all intentions in 2003, and they guide us today as well in our every action. Reasons only the American military would march forward to do with happy hearts, and without regard for our own lives or wellbeing. Not for land, or oil, or prestige, or for anything else other than our country's security, and another people's freedom. I know it sounds naïve or corny, but our Iraqi brothers and sisters who have come to know us the best, believe it the most.

As we surged into Iraq six years ago the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines of the Coalition came not to conquer a nation, but to free a people. We sincerely believed we came to help free Iraq from a terrible tyrant who not only ordered the deaths of thousands of his own countrymen he was morally and ethically bound to protect as the leader of a nation in the modern era, but also crushed the spirits of the living holding you all in a grip of fear that turned brother against brother, sons and daughters against their parents, and Muslim against Muslim. A man that fostered murderous religious, ethnic, and social suspicions and hates as the means to keep you divided.

This is what those of us in uniform who have served here are proudest of, and not any number of cynics or the entire chattering class can ever take that away from us. We who serve the colors risked everything in this endeavor, while they throw their darts. We fought here in the unimaginable heat of Iraq's summer, and they criticized. We walked the most dangerous streets in the world hunting the most murderous men on earth, and they slept safe at home in their beds. We send the people we hold as dear and precious to us-as close as our own sons and daughters-home to be buried, and the best they can do is case doubt on our mission, our motives, and our humanity. They should come to Anbar and see what we have done together as partners in the same fight, and, as a sheikh recently said to me: "as brothers now and forever because we have endured the same agony for four years and emerged victorious. You never wavered and we have won."

Our success here over the last year, indeed since we came, has been a result of trusting those who could be trusted, and standing firm against those who would do us-and you-harm. In the last year we did many things with the Iraqis to build that trust. We took calculated risks to advance the return to normalcy, risks we could take with confidence because we knew the Anbar ground better than any non-Anbari on the planet. By living with them we understood the minds of the local citizens and how they were exhausted by the murder and the violence that took so many of them everyday, and for so many years. We grew more and more convinced that it was over everyday and everytime we had a conversation that reflected hope, rather than hopelessness, in the voices of parents. Parents like any on earth who now talked of a future for their children that included education and not ignorance, health and not disease, moderation and not extremism, life and not death or maiming in a meaningless spiral of violence. At the end of the day we in the military always knew we could win the ten second firefight" because we are better at fighting-and dying-for what we believe in than any terrorist regardless of what sick ideology he might worship could ever hope to be. The trick was to know how to recognize an opportunity for engagement at the human level, then exploit it for the good without value judgment or cultural arrogance.

These are the things I am proud and proudest of, but what makes me eternally grateful is the relatively small number of American soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines I have lost or had maimed in comparison to what it was like the last two times I was here. Eternally grateful, but their loss and suffering still breaks my heart and I think about them everyday. I will think about them for the rest of my life because I failed to bring them home. I will never forget them, or their families. I am painfully aware that for their families, and their buddies who knew them best in their squads, sections, and platoons, that their single casualty is for them an overwhelming statistic. Their grief, is my grief, forever...but I still thank God there were so few this time.

These men and women served because they are the best of their generation. They understood above all else the notion of service to one's country, and of selfless devotion to duty. They died for their buddies, for their Army and their Marine Corps, and for millions of their countrymen who will never know their names but sleep safe in their homes every night because of men and women like them. They are part of our legend now, and we will never forget them:

We mourn the loss today of Lance Corporal Drew W. Weaver 0311 USMC. He was killed in action 21 February 2008 fighting alongside his buddies, and for the country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Major William G. Hall 7202 USMC. He was killed in action 30 March 2008 fighting alongside his Marines, and for the country he loved.

We mourn the loss of today of Lance Corporal Dean D. Opicka 0351 USMC and Corporal Richard J. Nelson 0341 USMC. They were killed in action together 14 April 2008 fighting alongside their buddies, and for the country they loved.

We mourn the loss today of First Lieutenant Matthew R. Vandegrift 0802 USMC. He was killed in action 21 April 2008 fighting alongside his American & Iraqi buddies, and for the country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Lance Corporal Jordan Haerter 0311 USC, and Corporal Jonathan T. Yale 0352 USMC. They were killed in action together 22 April 2008 fighting alongside their buddies, and for the country they loved. (Both these men to be awarded the Navy Cross (posthumously) on 20 February 2009.)

We mourn the loss today of Lance Corporal Casey L. Casanova 0621, Lance Corporal James F. Kimple 0411, Corporal Miguel A. Guzman 3521, and Sergeant Glen E. Martinez 1345, All U.S. Marines. They were killed in action together 2 May 2008 fighting alongside their buddies, and for the country they loved.

We mourn the loss today of Private First Class Aaron J. Ward 3110, a soldier of the United States Army. He was killed in action 6 May 2008 fighting alongside his buddies, and for the country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Specialist Christopher McCarthy 91k, a soldier of the United States Army. He died here in Iraq serving the country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Lance Corporal Kelly E. Watters 0311 USMC. He was seriously injured on 23 May 2008 fighting alongside his buddies, and for the country he loved. He lost the struggle for his life yesterday at the Naval Hospital, Behesda, Maryland. He was surrounded by his family when he went.

We mourn the loss today of Lieutenant Colonel Max A. Galeai 0302 USMC, Captain Philip J. Dykeman 0302 USMC, and Corporal Marcus W. Preudhomme 0151 USMC. These Marines were killed in action together 26 June 2008 fighting alongside their buddies, and for the country they loved.

We mourn the loss today of Staff Sergeant Danny D. Dupre 0369 USMC. He was killed in action 114 July 2008 alongside his buddies, and for the country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Corporals Stewart Trejo 2131 USMC and Corporal Adam McKiski 2131 USMC. These Marines died together 7 July 2008 fighting alongside their buddies, and for the country they loved.

We mourn the loss today of Sergeant Michael h. Ferschke 0321 USMC. He was killed in action 10 August 2008 fighting alongside his buddies, and for the country he loved. (His wife Hotaru gave birth to a son in Okinawa, Japan, on 14 January 2009. His boy's name is Michael H. Ferschke III.)

We mourn the loss today of Private First Class Daniel A. McGuire 0311 USMC. He was killed in action 14 August 2008 fighting alongside his buddies, and his country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Lance Corporal Stacy A Dryden 3052 USMC. She died here in Iraq 19 October 2008 serving the country she loved.

We mourn the loss of Corporal Aaron M. Allen 0311 USMC. He was killed in action 14 November 2008 fighting alongside his buddies, and for the country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Gunnery Sergeant Marcello R Valasco 3537 USMC. He died 19 November 2008 here in Iraq serving the country he loved.

We mourn the loss today of Master Sergeant Anthony Davis, a Solider of the United State Army, and Captain Warren A. Frank 0302 USMC. These Americans were killed in action together 25 November 2008 fighting alongside each other, and for the country they loved.

We mourn the loss today of Lance Corporal Thomas Reilly 0311 USMC. He was killed in action 20 December 2008 fighting alongside his buddies, and for the country he loved.

To the people of Anbar and Western Ninawa - our friends and allies - I wish you well and pray that you will see this experiment in democracy through that has been bought with so much suffering and pain. Treasure this new and wonderful way to live your lives, cherish it, nurture it, make it grow, never stop trying to make it better as it is gift from God to you, and your children.

Semper Fidelis.

I know it's not been out there all that long, but it still sickens me to say that I have not been able to find any mention of this from any "journalists".

Had this been a story of a Republican picking his nose in public, we would be deafened by the trumpets.

Guess we'll have to wait until the Campaigner-in-Chief decides it was really his idea before anyone mentions it.

Thank you, Matt...and the Marines who made this happen.

Les Etats Unis du l'Une

Well, folks, it's official...



That's right, friends...That impeccable authority on all things political, Newsweek, has declared the inevitable to have come to pass: We're turning French.

And, as one might expect, they can't even get through the second paragraph without finding someone conveniently absent to blame it on:

...The U.S. government has already—under a conservative Republican administration—effectively nationalized the banking and mortgage industries. That seems a stronger sign of socialism than $50 million for art.

...and again in the third...

We remain a center-right nation in many ways—particularly culturally, and our instinct, once the crisis passes, will be to try to revert to a more free-market style of capitalism—but it was, again, under a conservative GOP administration that we enacted the largest expansion of the welfare state in 30 years: prescription drugs for the elderly.

...and again...

The architect of this new era of big government? History has a sense of humor, for the man who laid the foundations for the world Obama now rules is George W. Bush, who moved to bail out the financial sector last autumn with $700 billion.

There's a whole lot more in there about how "the political conversation" has changed, and the perils of fighting 21st century battles with 20th century tactics, blah, blah, blah.

More telling, however, is what is NOT in there.

The words "Fannie Mae", "Freddie Mac" and "Countrywide". NOT ONCE.

"Mortgage" is mentioned twice. "Housing" is mentioned once. All three instances are used only to mention that there is a problem.

There is, however, apparently not enough time or textspace to air any whiff of how the problem came about. Except (duh) to blame Bush, during whose term the trap was sprung.

Never mind who started the mortgage avalanche...who gleefully egged it on...and who made a pretty nice pile of hay on it before the trigger was pulled.

It's SO hard to get a new project off the ground...

Lights, check....Sound, check...

Would someone PLEASE get the best boy out of the closet again, I've TOLD you jamokes about leaving the pixie dust unguarded...Yes, I know he promised, but we have that duck tape there for a REASON, people!...Thank YOU...

Okay, now where's...Oh, no, don't tell me, the on-air guy is missing again, isn't he? *SIGH* Yes, I know, the doors just MAGICALLY came off the Twinkie cabinet again, didn't they (why do we even HAVE that)...I'll go tell the boss...

(shuffleshuffle*whisper*Noheygetthatouttaherehe'srightoverthere*struggleGRABstuffstuff*shuffleshuffle)

Um, Sir...No, just a coupla little glitches, we'll be on air in no time...Yessir...Nosir...Yessir, will do, sir...

(shuffleshuffle*mumblegrumblerassinfrassinmincinglittlepansy*shuffleshuffle)

Okay, people, let's put it together! The show must go on!....and....ACTION!

(*CRAAASH*SMASH*tinkleinkleinkle)

....urrrrgh....

*RING* crap *BEEP* Yes, WHAT NO - oh...yes, Mr. President...No, Mr. President, I agree, it doesn't look good on TV...Yessirthankyousir *BEEP*

...sigh...All right, people, let's prop it up again....

There's gotta be a better way to do this.